How To Build Distress Tolerance

Ever feel like your emotions are turned up to 11, and life’s challenges hit you harder than they seem to hit others? Learning how to build distress tolerance isn’t about becoming less sensitive – it’s about developing tools to make those big feelings feel more manageable.

As therapists who specialize in helping people navigate intense emotions, we’re here to share some gentle ways to work with your sensitivity rather than against it.

What does building distress tolerance actually mean?

We think of distress tolerance like learning to swim. When you first start, even getting in the pool can feel like a lot – but with support and practice, you can eventually learn to wade deeper, tread water, and swim yourself to safety.

Distress tolerance isn’t really about *never* feeling overwhelmed – it’s about knowing you have the tools and support to handle the overwhelm when it happens.

Why can’t I tolerate distress?

There are a LOT of reasons it can feel like you’re immediately drowning in dysregulation or distress when something happens –

And NONE of them mean that there’s something wrong with you, or that you’re doing something wrong.

But if you’re curious why you feel like you’re often affected by changes or stressors, it’s probably one of (or more likely, a combination of) these things:

How Sensitive You Naturally Are To Emotions

Some people feel things sooner or bigger than others (like a more sensitive smoke alarm), which isn’t a bad thing but can affect how you relate to your life experiences.

Early Messaging

Maybe you grew up in a family where big emotions weren’t welcomed, or where you had to be the “strong one” all the time. Mayyybe you learned that showing distress meant you were “too sensitive” or “dramatic.” These early messages can make it really hard to know what to do with intense feelings when they show up.

Past Experiences

Past experiences with really great or really traumatic things can all affect how our body gauges and experiences distress – for example, if you’ve been in a car accident, you may feel more anxious or hit the brakes quicker when you’re driving.

Your Current Situation

If you’re not sleeping or eating well, have had more stressors than usual, or haven’t been able to unwind recently, it might be harder than usual to come down from heightened emotions. 

How to Overcome Distress Intolerance

You already know we love an analogy – so of course, we have a perfect one for what it’s like to improve your emotional distress.

Picture your stress level/state of regulation like a bucket of water.

When you’re constantly at a level of distress, it feels like the bucket is always overflowing (or very close to it) – so when something stressful comes along and adds water to your bucket…

Instant flood.

So typically, when we support clients in increasing their distress tolerance, we’re thinking about:

• How we can lower the amount of water that’s always in the bucket (not everything is under our control, and that’s okay! But by managing what we can, it makes getting through what we can’t a little easier)
• How we can deal with sudden splashes that raise our water levels. This can look like learning how to manage overall distress, but also specific regulation techniques that can be used in the moments you’re feeling overwhelmed.

When it comes to building tolerance for distress, we’re usually thinking in terms of the long game. By working with a therapist to learn more about how your specific brain and body process stress, you can learn more about lowering your total water level and preventing those surprise splashes from immediately causing overflow.

How can I improve my emotional distress in the moment?

When big emotions hit, it can feel like a tidal wave washing over you. Here are some gentle ways to help yourself ride the wave rather than fighting against it:

Ground Yourself in Your Senses

• Find 5 things you can see right now
• Notice 4 things you can touch or feel
• Listen for 3 different sounds around you
• Identify 2 things you can smell
• Notice 1 thing you can taste

Give Your Emotions Some Space

• Try saying “I notice I’m feeling…” instead of “I am…”
• Remember that emotions are like the weather – they pass through, they don’t define you
• Give yourself permission to feel without trying to fix anything

Connect With Your Body, If You’re Comfortable Doing So

• Place one hand on your heart and one on your belly
• Take slow breaths that feel comfortable (no need to force deep breathing)
• Gently wiggle your toes or tap your feet to feel connected to the ground

Use Your Environment

• Wrap yourself in a cozy blanket
• Hold something cold like an ice cube or frozen orange
• Squeeze a soft pillow, stress ball, or stuffed animal
• Use scents that help you feel calm (lavender, vanilla, whatever works for you)
• Try bilateral drawing (video here) to distract and regulate

Give Yourself Some TLC

• Talk to yourself like you’d talk to a friend who’s hurting
• Make yourself a warm drink
• Put on comfy clothes
• Listen to familiar music or shows that help you feel safe

How Can I Build Long-Term Emotional Resilience?

When emotions feel too big to handle alone, reaching out for support is a sign of strength, not weakness. In therapy, we can provide support for the here-and-now as well as the long game.

To help you learn to manage emotional distress in the moment, we can:

• Help you develop personalized strategies for intense moments
• Teach you practical tools that work for your specific situation
• Provide a safe space to process difficult emotions
• Work together to understand your unique triggers and responses

We’ll also help you build a foundation for lasting emotional resilience through:

• Understanding your emotional patterns
• Creating meaningful connections with yourself and others
• Developing sustainable self-care practices that actually work for you
• Learning to set boundaries that honor your needs

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Remember: You don’t have to figure this out alone. Working with a therapist means having someone in your corner who gets it – someone who can help you navigate the tough stuff while maintaining hope for better days ahead.

Learn more about our therapy services here.

Want to learn more about how therapy could help you build distress tolerance? We’re here to answer your questions and help you decide if working together might be a good fit. Reach out whenever you’re ready – we’ll be here.